GOD FOLLOWERS

[Jack]

IN THIS THREAD I DETAIL THE MOST LOYAL OF FOLLOWERS OF HIS HOLY NAME

[Roran]

All hail Lord God Jack!

[Jack]

LAMGWINETTE

THIS GUY IS A GRADE A DOUCHEBAG IF I EVER SAW ONE. HE PISSES ON EVERY BEING KNOWN TO MAN. SOME MIGHT SAY HE IS A SOCIOPATHIC AUTISTIC RETARD WHILE OTHERS ARGUE HE IS JUST A MISUNDERSTOOD, ABRASIVE AND ARGUMENTATIVE FOOL.

SOME MIGHT EVEN SAY HE IS JUST A DICK.

YOUR GOD DOES NOT DISAGREE. YET DESPITE HIS COPIOUS SOCIAL SHORTCOMINGS, THIS WORM TREMBLES BEFORE HIS HOLY LORD HIS GOD. THERE HAS NEVER BEEN A JIHAD FOR WHICH THIS CRETIN HAS BEEN ABSENT. FROM THE WARS WITH THE UNHOLY TRINITY TO THE RECENT MUTINIES OF ROBBY THE DARKFRIEND, LAMGWINETTE, THE "DESPISED ONE," HAS WIELDED HIS BATTLE AXE AND FOLLOWED HIS LORD INTO BATTLE.

PARADISE AWAITS HIM.

[Jack]

QMONEY

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO THIS GUY IS BUT UPON FINDING HIS LORD DRUNK, NAKED AND DISORIENTED IN TARWIN'S GAP ONE DAY, FAITH OVERCAME HIS SOUL ONCE TAINTED BY SIN. IN THIS MOMENT HE TRANSCENDED INTO ONE OF GOD'S MOST LOYAL OF DISCIPLES. GOD HAS SINCE OVERLOOKED HIS LIFE OF WENCHING AND SURREPTITIOUS CHEATING IN THE CASINOS OF CAEMLYN. AFTER ALL, THY GOD CREATED MEN AS FLAWED BEINGS AND MADE THEM DESTINED TO SIN. WHAT IS A WHORE ON THE SIDE EVERY NOW AND THEN?

HE ASSISTED HIS LORD IN THE PURSUIT OF JUSTICE AGAINST THE WITCH KATHRYN. UPON BEING FORBIDDEN AUDIENCE BY HIS LADY WIFE, CIARRA, GOD DECIDED TO BLOW THE DOOR OFF THE TOWER HALL. QMONEY LOST A FINGER IN THE EXPLOSION AND SHIELDED HIS LORD FROM MANY LASHINGS OF HORRIFIC WITCHCRAFT AIR SPANKINGS DEALT BY HIS FOOL WIFE, CIARRA, AND AS SUCH, HAS EARNED A RANK AMONGST HIS MOST LOYAL OF DISCIPLES.

[Jack]

LORD CHASE MARAVIN LAURENT MARAVIN

PERHAPS THE MOST SCHIZOPHRENIC GIRLY MAN THAT GOD HAS EVER RUN ACROSS. ALSO AN ENORMOUS DARKFRIEND. HIS ENTIRE LIFE IS LIKE AN ELABORATE VENTRILOQUIST ACT PERFORMED BY THE DARK ONE HIMSELF. PROBLEM IS, THIS GUY IS TOO STUPID TO REALIZE HE SERVES THE SHADOW. FOR THIS REASON HE HAS BEEN GRANTED CLEMENCY FOR HIS DARK CRIMES.

HE ALSO LOVES HIS LORD DESPITE ADAMANT DENIAL OF SUCH THINGS. IN THE END HIS WILL IS HIS LORD'S. HE DECLANNED ROBBY. HE REPRIMANDED TRINITY. HE HAS ALSO ASSISTED IN TAKING DOWN THE WITCH KATHRYN. HELL HE EVEN CHANGED HIS OWN FUCKING NAME TO "MARAVIN" AT THE LORD'S DEMAND.

IF THAT ISN'T A TRACK RECORD OF UNKNOWING LOYALTY I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS.

[Jack]

TO BE CONTINUED

[Ciarra]

wow.

[Roran]

I want to see his Lady Wife's entry.

[Semper]

[Insert Image of a Koala - for some reason I can't seem to insert it today :/]
SEMPER


Man to The lady Wife Ciarra, this man brandishes his knife with a threatening glare at the Mighty Lord God. Luckily he knows his own lady Wife Ciarra can manage her safety from this nutcase whom calls himself God.

Despite his overzealous appearances, he has a sincere heart and may yet come to the Lord Gods aid in a time of need.

[Jack]

CIARRA

THIS TAVERN WENCH GOT HER BREAST TATTOOED WITH THY LORD GOD'S IMMACULATE NAME THE HOUR SHE FIRST LAID EYES ON HIM. AND MOST CERTAINLY, MORE THAN HER EYES WERE LAID UPON THY LORD THAT NIGHT.

WITHIN THE FORTNIGHT WE WERE WED. SHE ONCE DARED THREATEN TO DIVORCE THY LORD FOR SOME GRIZZLED, ILLITERATE EUNUCH NAMED ROBBY, BUT ONCE RETRIBUTION WAS THREATENED SHE BONDED THY LORD GOD IN THE MOST IMMACULATE OF WAYS.

PROBABLY A DARKFRIEND, BUT I RECKON SHE IS USING HER HIGH DARKSCUM RANK TO LEARN ALL THEIR TAWDRY SEXUAL TRICKS. SHE IS GRANTED CLEMENCY FOR THIS REASON

[Malia]

so ive been laughing for about ten minutes.....

[Malia]

cept the robby part, that made me sick

[Kathryn]

Too bad you didn't succeed. I"ll be back for your head, no worries. I shall wear it around my neck, and your hands I shall make into earrings, and form a necklace from your toes.

[Malia]

wait.....what?

[Kathryn]

I'm just taunting Jack. All he ever does is scream in all caps, so i figured I might as well help him out.

[Jack]

NEXT UP: KATHRYN, THE WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST

[Roran]

I don't want to rush my lord, my god, but I'm still waiting for my entry.

[Jack]

RORAN

ON THE SEVENTH DAY THE LORD GOD HATH SAID THAT, DESPITE THE TRAVESTY THAT WAS ADAM AND EVE, THAT ALL MEN WOULD HENCEFORTH BE BORN DIVINE

THAT WAS UNTIL THIS FUCKTARD NAMED RORAN WAS BORN AND HATH BROKEN LORD GOD'S TRACK RECORD

THIS LITTLE SCROTUM OF A MAN FOLLOWS GOD'S WORD LIKE A RABIES INFESTED PUPPY DOG. GOD KNOWS THAT HIS ILLNESS IS TAINT DRIVEN BY SIN, BUT HIS LOYALTY HAS EARNED HIM CLEMENCY FROM THE WRATH OF HIS HOLY HIGHNESS.

RORAN ONCE CROSS THY LORD GOD IN AN ATTEMPT TO... PLEASE... HIM. THY LORD AWOKE ONE NIGHT TO SEE THAT RORAN WAS ATTEMPTING TO WORK HIM FROM BENEATH THE BLANKET.

"WHAT IN THE SEVEN FUCKS OF LUCIFER ARE YOU DOING SON"
"Pleasing you, my Lord!"
"GET THE FUCK OFF ME RIGHT NOW YOU REGURGITATED PRUNE"
"But... I thought it was right to give him thanks and praise!"

THE IDIOT LOST HIS FINGER TIPS FOR THAT CRIME. FOR SOME REASON THE MORON WEARS THEM IN A BAG AROUND HIS NECK. PROBABLY EATS A SHIT TON OF ONIONS TOO.

[Jack]

KATHRYN

WHEN YOU USE THE TERM "SHITBIRD" YOU USUALLY MEAN IT FIGURATIVELY. NOT THIS FUCKING TIME. KATHRYN LOOKS LIKE SHE WAS BELCHED FROM THE CUNT OF THE UNDERWORLD. SHE IS NO GOD FOLLOWER. RATHER SHE IS INCLUDED FOR THE SOLE PURPOSE OF WARNING THY LORD'S MOST FAITHFUL SERVANTS OF HER VILE CRIMES.

THIS WICKED WITCH FRIGHTENS EVEN THY LORD GOD, AND HER HEINOUS LOOKS MAKE HIS PENDULOUS PAIR SHRIVEL UP LIKE A COUPLE OF RAISINS.

LET'S LOOK AT THIS VILE SERPENT'S TRACK RECORD FOR A MINUTE:

• IS PROBABLY DOPING ON MORPHINE. I MEAN JESUS H. CHRIST WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST READ.
• SHE ASSISTED IN THE COLD BLOODED MURDER OF BOB, WHO IS LIKE ONE OF TWO PEOPLE IN THIS SHITHOLE INFESTED WORLD WHO I WOULD GRANT ENTRANCE INTO PARADISE.
• ACTUALLY DEFENDED THE COCK GOBLIN RAPIST ROBBY, WHO ATTEMPTED TO MURDER THY LORD GOD AND HIS FOLLOWER LAMGWINETTE MULTIPLE TIMES.

THE ONLY PERSON WHO IS MORE DESERVING OF RETRIBUTION IS PROBABLY THAT ASSHAT ROBBY. BEWARE OF THIS ONE.
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[Jack]

WHO THE FUCK IS FUCKING NEXT WHAT THE I DON'T

[Roran]

I keep those fingertips because they touched my god's holy pre-cum.

[Jack]

IT IS CALLED "THE BREATH OF LIFE" GOD GET IT RIGHT

[Roran]

I tried to ingest the Breath of Life but God was stingy that day. :/